Mission: Disposing of the Arrogance.

I am finding myself more and more often being beaten on the water. Some Kid named Adam who I have never met crushed me at Push Button the other day.  That combined with a visit from what was a good friend once along time ago set in motion some question’s. Who really is Billy Harris and how can he be better than he is.

I planted dark seeds along time ago and they started with Pat Camblin at Lachine many years ago.  I lashed out in anger and frustration and in doing sewed the seeds of divide between us that has only festered. The boys, Duce, Benny Marr and Pat dropped by the house to see Carly and I and it was there in in silence it started myself on a path of reflective emotions. Pat sat at the table not sure how to feel about me, I could see it in his eyes.  I superimposed my belief systems on him and in doing so alienated him and myself. My pride, frustration, and anger back then, and even now dig deep.  “A thorn can be pulled out but internal thorns need to be realized in the mind.”  (Dalai Lama)  I need to know why I felt anger then, jealousy and dismay at myself and Adam and the crushed feelings I have had at being beaten at worlds so many times. 

It started and still do in many ways identify my self as Billy Harris the paddler, coach and athlete.  I have always thought that Billy was what he made of himself.  To a lesser extent the coaching and help I have offered over the years to the greats of paddling.   I always felt that I was apart of the learning that they young terrors reign have had on the freestyle and big trick features around the world.  I have had thousands of hours on the water practicing and when watching their success’s Pringles, at world cup, Joel and Nick at worlds, yappa in oz. I have always felt that I helped in many ways to create the foundation for that talent to grow on.   But in the end it never had much to do with me at all, not for Pat, not for any of them.  I built up the importance of it in my mind and felt hurt and anger when it swung around to haunt me later.  I followed a garden path of my own self importance and grew the seeds of anger and jealousy now I am left thorny branches, branches I now try cutting off at the base. 

But the only way to gain understanding of how I feel when I get beaten buy these guys is by not letting anger, pride jealousy exaggerate the importance of how things really exist.  I must see that at no time that I really am billy harris the paddler.  I Struggle to give up my false beliefs even now.  The seeds have gown tall and the pruning should have started years ago.  I work hard now to see myself as I really am, I feel that it’s the only way that I will ever find peace and liberation.

Billy Harris